UBU RAW: As You Like It
Unedited Transcript by Norman Conquest
Young Will and King Ubu Trump are gazing out the window of a parked coach.
YOUNG WILL: (sighing): She’s still very beautiful, sire.
UBU: Let me tell you a sad tale that, to this day, troubles my soul. Once upon a time, on the Beach of the Palms, I moved on her like a feral woodchuck.
YOUNG WILL: Whoa! You did? Horny King Ubu! Yaa-haa!
UBU: I groveled, I pawed, I nibbled, dribbled and groped. I slobbered ‘pon her pale flesh as at a royal feast, and yet…. And yet!… I failed! (Bows head in shame.) Yes, yes, I loathe to confess that I, King Ubu, did not score. How monstrous that this player here, in a scheme of passion, was rebuffed by a common wench. Though I did my very best. Imagine! A small-bosomed whore, spurning the advances of the king!
YOUNG WILL: Whoa, impossible! A madwoman crossed the royal path.
UBU: Mad, tis true. And the bloom was off the virgin, too–she was married. A slut!…
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